Things You Learn Your First Week of College

1. It doesn't matter how loud it is. If you stay up late enough, you will sleep through that alarm.
2. The effectiveness if caffeine is determined not by how much of it you drink, but how quickly it reaches your system, which in turn is dependent on the concentration of the drink and how fast you get it down. The proper way to drink coffee is to wait until it's cool enough to chug (at some colleges this may require you to eat the rest of your breakfast and perhaps even shower first), then proceed to chug it. Failure to do so will result in your falling asleep in class and not knowing why.
3. Caffeine is a stimulant, not an energy source. Taking caffeine with no accompanying caloric nourishment will result in a nasty crash.
4. Your dorm will never be as clean when your classes end as it was before you left for classes, no matter how many times you neurotically rearrange it.
5. Your dorm will never be clean enough to study in.
6. When looking for a study space: quiet, organized, within a reasonable distance of a bathroom--pick two.
7. Become acquainted with your shower before jumping head-on into the stream. You wouldn't fuck a lover on the first date. If it ends well, it ends well, but what if she's frigid? What if she burns you?
8. If you absolutely need to get to class, Febreeze is an adequate substitute for showering and/or laundry.
9. If you're taking down your laundry, offer to take down your suitemates' laundry. It's just laundry. It's not as much a burden as the stigma suggests.
10. You are no longer the big kahuna on campus. Be nice to the upperclassmen.
11. Listen to the upperclassmen. When they say taking Orgo and DiffE in the same term is a bad idea, IT'S A BAD IDEA.
12. You "fell asleep". You did not "pass out." Thank you, kind colleague, for allowing me to sleep on your couch. Bam.

Flash fiction, anyone?

Flash fiction.

http://www.dewonthekudzu.net/

Check it. August 5, 2011. With the chicken nuggets.

Awwyeah. I did that.